16 March 2010

Your Guide for Green Beer Day

Feet cold and wet 
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling 
Feet warm and wet 
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training 
Beer unusually pale and tasteless 
a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer 
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar 
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes 
You have fallen forward
See above 
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet 
a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror 
Floor Blurred 
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer 
Floor moving 
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar 
Room seems unusually dark 
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run 
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures 
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside 
Everyone looks up to you and smiles 
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking 
Beer is crystal-clear 
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him 
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup 
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) 
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear 
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them 
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in 
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer 
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk 
a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach 
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps 
You're in a gay bar
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs 
Your singing sounds distorted 
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves 
Don't remember the words to the song 
Beer is just right
Play air guitar


Sam said...

i get you prolly didn't make the chart, and i did find it funny, but not everyone who reads this column is a straight male and it's always disconcerting to read something on a site that you like that erases your gender and sexuality.

Alexander D. Mitchell IV said...

I was actually planning to take it down today, but I'll tell you what: I'll entertain appropriate gender-neutral or female-based suggestions along these lines, with the understanding of course that the entire list is indeed a farce and meant as a sarcastic slam at such behavior, not endorsement thereof. I think I made my opinions on "Green Beer Day" quite plain in the other posts.

Sam said...

I think by saying i found it funny, and that i like the site (hell it's on my rss reader and i forwarded this link to two other people cause it actually made me laugh) covered that i got it was sarcastic and a rip at the people who go all crazy for st paddy's day. since that still didn't change the fact that halfway through reading it my gender and sexuality were erased (which does kinda bring you out of the mood of laughing when you have to sit there and go hrmm... why is this funny, oh it's cause i'm male, got it.) i thought i'd bring it to your attention. sometimes people don't think of these things and a gentle nudge never hurts.

thanks for entertaining female-based suggestions i guess?