IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE | ||
SYMPTOM | CAUSE | CORRECTIVE ACTION |
Feet cold and wet | Glass Being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
Feet warm and wet | Improper Bladder Control | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training |
Beer unusually pale and tasteless | a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite | Get someone to buy you another beer |
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself leashed to bar |
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes | You have fallen forward | See above |
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet | a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
Floor Blurred | You are looking through bottom of empty glass | Get someone to buy you another beer |
Floor moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
Room seems unusually dark | Bar has closed | Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run |
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside |
Everyone looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on someone cushy-looking |
Beer is crystal-clear | It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up | Punch him |
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup | You're in the ladies' room | Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) |
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | You have been in a fight | Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in | You've wandered into the wrong party | See if they have free beer |
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk | a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy | Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach |
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps | You're in a gay bar | Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs |
Your singing sounds distorted | The beer is too weak | Have more beer until your voice improves |
Don't remember the words to the song | Beer is just right | Play air guitar |
16 March 2010
Your Guide for Green Beer Day
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3 comments:
i get you prolly didn't make the chart, and i did find it funny, but not everyone who reads this column is a straight male and it's always disconcerting to read something on a site that you like that erases your gender and sexuality.
I was actually planning to take it down today, but I'll tell you what: I'll entertain appropriate gender-neutral or female-based suggestions along these lines, with the understanding of course that the entire list is indeed a farce and meant as a sarcastic slam at such behavior, not endorsement thereof. I think I made my opinions on "Green Beer Day" quite plain in the other posts.
I think by saying i found it funny, and that i like the site (hell it's on my rss reader and i forwarded this link to two other people cause it actually made me laugh) covered that i got it was sarcastic and a rip at the people who go all crazy for st paddy's day. since that still didn't change the fact that halfway through reading it my gender and sexuality were erased (which does kinda bring you out of the mood of laughing when you have to sit there and go hrmm... why is this funny, oh it's cause i'm male, got it.) i thought i'd bring it to your attention. sometimes people don't think of these things and a gentle nudge never hurts.
thanks for entertaining female-based suggestions i guess?
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